


pull the trigger, piglet

by a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue (falloutboiruto)



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Awkward Sex, Bisexuality, Comedy, Episode: s02e10 The Pontiac Bandit Returns, Hook-Up, M/M, Missing Scene, Short One Shot, attempts are made towards safe sex but the results are somewhat questionable, canon divergence: sophia and jake break up b4 the events of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:33:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29492871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/pseuds/a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue
Summary: Rosa, Doug Judy, and a freshly dumped Jake are hanging out in a hotel room before the Giggle Pig bust of the night. Rosa leaves the room, and then what?
Relationships: Doug Judy/Jake Peralta
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	pull the trigger, piglet

**Author's Note:**

> set around that scene where rosa, jake and doug stay in a hotel room. jake is newly single bc in this fic sophia broke up w/ him earlier than she did in canon. 
> 
> disclaimer/warning: jake and doug having sex is portrayed as consensual in this fic. a similar IRL situation would be an extreme abuse of power on jake's end. please be aware of this while reading this fic.
> 
> beta read by: @reaperduckling  
> title is a reference to a line from a winnie the pooh shitpost comic by tumblr user iguanamouth. there are no similarities between the comic and the fic other than that the title came to me in a dream. so that's what we're going w/

Detective Jake Peralta: a man on an assignment with Detective Rosa Diaz to investigate the street drug Giggle Pig with the help of con artist/master car thief Doug Judy. Location: A swanky hotel room, waiting for their meetup with their suppliers. State of mood; Jake is sad. Very sad. Rosa is exasperated, and Doug finds it funny.

“I can’t believe Sophia dumped me,” Jake wails when failing to suppress the memory fails(at a looped interval of ten minutes between crying jags). 

Doug covers his face and spares Jake’s feelings. Rosa doesn’t.

“I can,” Rosa sighs and groans. “I need to get out of here. I’ll-” she looks up at the spinning ceiling fan for an excuse. “-Snoop around for a few hours. I’ll come back in time. Later, dorks.” She busts out of the room, so eager to get out that she forgets to bring a key with her. The automatic lock clicks in place after her departure.

“I won’t be taking my eyes off you, Doug Judy,” Jake announces. He’s done being sad now(until the inevitable return to depression ten minutes later). “You cuddly-looking sneaky weasel, you. You’re a huxter! A handsome devil! You’re a lie guy! You won’t escape after we've gone through with this bust! Your conman days are over!”

“Sure. Do you want to make out to pass the time?” Doug asks. He’s sprawled out like a starfish on the king-sized bed. Like that’s a normal thing to ask. What?

“No!” Jake reflexively protests. He’s mostly not gay, right? Then, after some considering; “Hell yeah!”

Turns out, Doug is an excellent kisser. So good, that it takes a while for Jake to remember; “Why are we making out? I thought you were into Rosa?”

“Well that’s not happening, is it? _Yet_ ,” Doug wiggles his eyebrows. Up close, his dark hair looks like a cloud. He’s also very warm. It’s comforting. Jake hasn’t really gone further with a man than longingly stare at them up until this point. But Doug is so warm and soft. Those are great qualities in a person of any gender. It also doesn’t hurt that the kissing is getting hot and heavy.

“You wanna take this further, or..?” Doug suggests. 

Jake doesn’t protest. He clears his throat to lower his initially squeaky voice; “So, hey. How do we do this? I’m pretty sure I have a condom in my wallet.”

“That’s a good start!”

Jake heaves himself off Doug and scrambles on the floor for his jacket. “No, even better! I have two condoms! No wait,” he holds up the two square plastic-y thingies against each other to compare. “This one is a ramen noodle seasoning packet.”

“How do you live like this, bro?”

“With great success!” Jake jams the ramen noodle seasoning packet back into his wallet and hands (with a flourish of the wrist) the actual condom to Doug. 

Doug hesitates. “I should check the expiration date. No, it’s allz good. Okay so. We should get nak-'' Doug squints at Jake. “Have you ever had sex with a man before, Jake?”

“Not outside my dreams, no.”

“Oh my god, same!” Doug guffaws, making his stomach bounce. His shirt starts riding up around his waist and the dark patch of body hair leading downwards makes Jake’s mouth go dry. Well, drier than usual. No wait, Doug is still talking. “Who was your biggest male celebrity crush growing up?”

Jake tries to steel himself. Impressing Doug is vital. “Dwayne the Rock Johnson, _duh_.” He plays it off as it means nothing. As if his attraction to men hasn’t always been a confusing tangle of emotions.

“Same! Cool. He just looks like he would treat you right, y’know?”

“Yeah- _heh_ ,” Jake spits out.”Yes. We should. Get naked.” He robotically sits down on the bed and fusses with the buttons of his flannel shirt. His shaking, nervous hands are soon defeated by the stubborn buttons. Jake considers just ripping his shirt off completely. He looks over at Doug, who is just. Butt ass naked, already. Probably because he was wearing comfy sweats to begin with. It’s hard finding a safe spot to look at.

“Eyes up here,” Doug smirks. “I can help you with that.” He does, and his big hands shock Jake like two superpowered tasers. Jake’s shirt comes off, they kiss some more. The nerves die down some more as they get into it. When Doug’s (very erect)dick brushes against Jake’s thigh his throat grows thick and the words hardly come out; “I have a suggestion. But you’re going to walk me through it.”

A pause.

“Wait, what’s the suggestion?” Doug’s hands find Jake’s hips and start sliding off his belt.

“Oh.” _Do I actually have to say sex stuff out loud? Isn’t it easier to just do it?_ “I meant if I could suck your- _Ngkf_.”

“Go on?” Doug’s patient. Jake suspects that he’s just humoring him, but whatevz.

“Can I. Suck your dick?”

Doug gives him two big thumbs up. “Sure! Here, you need this-” He hands Jake the condom. 

Jake slides down slightly and stares at Doug’s dick like he doesn’t know what to do with it. How hard can it be, though? _Pun intended_. He should tell Doug that joke to lighten the mood.

“Jake,” Doug snaps Jake out of his indecisiveness. “I can give you the play-by-play if that’s what you need, but don’t you want to take your pants off first?”

“Eh,” Jake falters. “Maybe later.” Then he grabs the shaft of Doug’s dick. He knows how to do this. There has never been a time in his (frankly, slightly sad)list of sexual encounters where he didn’t use protection. When Doug’s all suited up, Jake kisses the tip. He’s rewarded with a moan and a slight twitch. Encouraged, he pops the entire head into his mouth and sucks. A hand makes its way into his hair. It’s soft, gentle.

“That feels good,” Doug gasps. “Keep going, just like that.”

The affirmations almost drown out the slightly iffy taste of latex and slimy lube. Jake finds a rhythm, keeps going, and going. 

It’s strange, the combination of not-at-all-that-appealing taste and the way Doug’s body heaves and trembles. The bland contrasted with flying sky-high. It makes Jake wonder if he even enjoyed having sex with Sophia all that much when they were dating. She had been so, so, _so_ beautiful. He had liked her, a lot. But whenever they would have sex his brain had always felt fuzzy. Some kind of undefined, swirling inner daze. Probably because she partly had been a rebound after things didn’t work out with Amy. Their breakup had been for the best. But wasn’t he using Doug as a rebound right now, too? 

The fingers in Jake’s hair scrape against his scalp. “You doing okay?” Doug gasps. His eyes are slightly glazed over and his thighs tremble. Jake tries to reassure him but realizes he cannot speak. He pulls off Doug’s dick, but what comes out is; “Hey, I’m sorry if I haven’t told you that this is just a fling. I don’t want to lead you on.”

“I-” Doug’s stomach heaves. “-Am aware. That’s-” A moan. “-How I interpreted this too.”

“Right,” Jake’s chin is coated with spit. ”Right.” The air-conditioned hotel room turns it chilly. Kind of gross, but also kind of hot. “Are you, uh, close?”

“ _Yes_.”

“And you want me to continue?”

“Uh-huh.” Doug’s hand in his hair is still so gentle, almost caressing him.

And so, Jake does just that. It doesn’t take long before Doug sharply inhales, lets out a choked moan, his face contracting, and goes still. His hand flops down next to Jake’s head.

Jake isn’t sure of what to do. He pulls off the condom(it’s messy) and throws it in the trash. Doug’s bare, soft dick looks much more appetizing than it had with a condom on it, but alas.

“I’m going to need a minute,” Doug says. Jake isn’t sure of what he’s talking about until he remembers how incredibly turned on he is. And has been this whole time. The slight, nagging guilt of (in retrospect, consensually) using Doug as a rebound clouded his judgment.

“Okay,” Jake says and lays back down on the bed. He’s unsure whether or not to cuddle Doug and a few minutes pass. Doug jerks up, slaps his legs, and gets up to use the bathroom. Just before closing the door behind him; “I’m just very sticky, but I’ll come back soon. You can think over whether or not you want to take your pants off while I’m in there.”

Jake is left alone (with pants). They get tighter and tighter as his anticipation rises.

Doug returns from the bathroom, and Jake bursts out;

“Please, please have sex with me, I’m begging you!” Complete with clasped hands and all.

Doug snorts out a choked laugh and goes silent. Then loses in his battle to silence his giggles and howls with laughter. Tears stream down his face. He leans against the door frame to catch his breath.

This does, somehow, not turn Jake off.

“You really don’t need to beg me. But okay.” Doug flops down on the mattress with such force that Jake bounces up and down. Then, they’re kissing again, close. Doug’s hand finds its way to the zipper fly of Jake’s pants. It hovers there, just long enough to make Jake want to beg again.

“Jake. Since that other condom turned out to be a-” Doug giggles. Jake can feel it through the parts of their bodies that touch. “-Ramen noodle flavor packet, I’m thinking that a handjob is the best way to go. It’s safe-ish, right?” Doug squints up at the ceiling. “Probably?”

“ _Pleasejustdoitalrea_ -” Jake’s fast-paced mumbling dies in his throat. His pants and underwear get thrown to the floor, a pair of hands are all over him, moans spill out of his mouth, his soul leaves his body, and then snaps back to reality again. His face is pressed against the sheets. He’s breathing hard as if he has run a marathon.

“So-” Doug smirks. “I say we both take showers and put our clothes back on. And when Rosa comes back, we pretend this didn’t happen.”

“Deal.”

-

Some hours later, spent playing _Cwazy Cupcakes_ on his phone while Doug takes a nap, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Rosa, probably. She can wait until he finishes this level, right? Wrong. The door bursts open from Rosa’s powerful kick. Jake and Doug both jump alert in fear. She scans the surroundings ferociously. “What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers? You know I don’t have a key and you still locked the door!”

“Nothing! We were doing nothing!” Jake accidentally lost the game level. Dangit!

Rosa wrinkles her face in disgust. “Ugh, it smells like an old shoe in here. Like a gross sweaty armpit.”

“That’s just my shoes!” Doug points at his Timberland boots on the floor and saves the day. Rosa buys it. Somehow?

The End

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave kudos and comments if u like dis lol


End file.
